The start of something I'll never forget

I realize I've been really slow to work on this blog. It's been hard to get it going, however, I know it's important to get our experience out there. The good thing is there has been a lot of momentum out in the world lately. A movie like "The Syndrome" and a huge investigative article in the Washington Post this past week. More keeps coming up to bring awareness to a situation that Erin and I lived through. However, it's important that no matter how hard it is to relive my experience, I know we need to tell it. On to the first part....

Monday, May 5th, 2014. That date will be burned in my memory forever.  Most people in my generation remember September 11, 2001. Some remember December 7, 1941 as a day that lives in infamy.  I'll always remember May 5th, 2014. It was the start of 6 months of hell for us.

The day started out as a normal day to us. We went to where we needed to go. A went to school, E and Q went to daycare while Erin and I went to work. As I dropped Q and E off, I was discussing with our daycare provider Q's fussiness with her bottle that we've been dealing with for a few weeks since she started daycare. We were trying to just make sure things would be ok. I mentioned to our daycare provider that Q had a tough weekend. We had family around during the weekend to celebrate Q's cousin with a baby shower and baptism. Q was very fussy at times during the weekend. She had her moments where she was herself and a happy baby, but she had her moments where she was unhappy. Nothing we couldn't handle though. After some discussion at daycare, I left and Q was crying but we both knew we just needed to push through this.

The day still continued on as normal. I left work and came home while Erin would pick up the girls from daycare. The crew arrived home and Q was sleeping in her car seat.  Erin said when she arrived, everyone was outside playing and Q was sleeping thinking nothing of it. When Erin took Q out of the car seat, she seemed tired and lethargic. It seemed odd as she usually was a pretty happy baby with us. We let her sleep while we ate supper but it just didn't seem right. We got the other girls ready to bed while Erin was trying to wake Q up. She fed her, bathed her, changed her diaper and she was not herself. It totally seemed odd. We checked her temperature and didn't get anything outside of normal. We then started to think it was time to take her in to the doctor to make sure she was ok but we weren't 100% sure. Erin and I evaluate all our options and then go with the best one once we know what it is. So we proceeded to call ask a nurse and a couple of family members. They all came to the same conclusion, if we weren't feeling good about it, go in and get Q checked. Erin decided that since the girls were in bed, that she should take Q in and off to the ER she went.

I managed to make sure the older girls were bathed and in bed while waiting for Erin to message me. The first update I received said her first signs seemed normal but they needed to do more tests. Bloodwork came back fine so then on to a CT scan. I remember we were just hoping for some answers. They sure came as Erin called me after the CT scan results as she was crying. They found bleeds in Q's brain. Then Erin was asked if she abused our child. Something horrible was happening to our child but we were getting the first of many questions at us. I told Erin I would find someone to watch the girls and would get there as soon as I could.  Thankfully, my friends Corey and Stacey were able to help us out.  I called my parents to get here as soon as they could help me out with the girls as they were planning on coming up later that week to bring my uncle to the airport here.  Many people made quick sacrifices and I'm still grateful for that.

Off to the hospital I went. Erin's sister Nichole and my good friend Patrick also came to be there with us. Thankfully, Q's regular pediatrician was the on call doctor on the peds floor. She was baffled by this as she saw Q for her 4 month checkup 2 weeks prior. She let us know there was going to be a number of tests in the morning (MRI, retina check, etc) to figure out what is going on. We would be seeing a neurosurgeon and opthamologist for sure to see what all was going to happen. We also knew Social Services would be involved because of the suspicion of Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS). The ophthalmologist's test the next day would give us a good indication of what has been happening.  Not much more could be done the rest of the night so we needed to get some rest. I made sure Erin was ok and she was very tired. Home I went and met up with my parents arrival and off to bed we went.

The next day came and Q was busy getting checked.  The neurosurgeon we had was one who filled in every once in a while at Sanford. She was based in Montreal and taught at the med school there but once upon a time she was in practice full time.  Q had her MRI and they confirmed the subdural hematoma.  She had a bleed on each side of her head and also informed us it was "old blood". This really explained a lot to us as far as her fussiness with a bottle and her mood recently.  We were told the blood was at least a month old but there really wasn't an exact science to it we have found out later.  The eye exam came, and Q hated it.  A piercing scream Q had many times that week.  It was horrible. The test came back and we were told Q had hemorrhaged retinas. The opthamologist told us the "only way" it could happen was by someone doing harm to her.  We were heartbroken but there was no way anyone we knew that Q was with would do that.

I was sending updates out to some friends via text. One of my best friends, Mark Davis, after I mentioned there was suspicion of SBS with Q, sent me what I consider today a small miracle. He said he read this article the week before Slate Article on SBS.  Davis told me he had no idea why he read it or found it fascinating but after hearing what we were going through he thought it would be good information for me to have.  I read it but couldn't really process what it all meant yet.  I told Erin there are some people doubting the symptoms of SBS and we believed it was something else due to Q's entry into the world, but we needed to push to find the answers.  In future entries, I'll tell you what I did with this article info.

Meanwhile, our day ended with Police/Social Service interviews to understand what happened to Q. This was the beginning of our hell. I went first going to the police station to be interviewed. I never in my life ever thought my wife or myself would be questioned about how we parented our kids. After they were done with me, I went back to the hospital and they came to interview Erin. Later on we found out they went to interview our daycare provider.  Life was a little bit upside down.  Not only did we have to sit and worry about our child trying to figure out what was wrong with her, but we had to deal with getting questioned by the authorities.  Something no good parent should ever have to go through.

This was only the beginning, and Q had quite a ride the next few days.  More to come later and thanks for reading.

Happy Birthday Q!

Almost 14 months into her life, I remember I should probably write a little Happy Birthday blog to my Q.  You came into this world with a bang.  You gave your mommy and I some scares and some bumps in the road.  But the most important thing is you've been a blessing to our life.

As I may have told you earlier, mommy had quite the scare with her appendix bursting, however we survived it.  The next couple of weeks though were interesting in itself.  We got home on a Wednesday from Bemidji in a winter storm.  Mommy couldn't do much as she was told to rest as she just had a major surgery.  The fun part though was we were moving into our new house in a week. When we did move, the weather was very cold but thankfully we had many friends and family members helping us out.

Monday after we were in the new house, mommy went to work but she didn't feel the greatest. She called her doctor and she said to head downtown to get  monitored. After a couple hours, all was fine but knowing what we went through with the surgery, we knew that it would be interesting all the way until your due date of January 30th. Or so we thought. Friday that week (December 20th), we prepared for your Auntie Alison to come to town and daddy was going to go to the Bison football playoff game with Grandpa Duane. However, mommy went to get checked and her doctor said she needed to get monitored again. She was having signs of labor and it was quite scary. Auntie Cole picked up your sisters while mommy and daddy were at the hospital. Mommy wasn't too happy with daddy though cause he really wanted to go to the Bison game, and all she wanted was to be resting. Once mommy got the labor settled down, she was able to go home and so we did.  Once everyone was in bed, daddy went to the rest of the football game and then get Auntie Alison to our house. After everyone got home, Daddy and Grandpa and Auntie Alison went to bed.

Mommy woke up at about 4:30 in the morning.  Something wasn't right.  She realized that her water broke.  We called the hospital and told the nurses we had to come in.  Daddy got up Auntie Alison and Grandpa and said we were going to the hospital.  We didn't know what was going to happen. When we arrived, the nurse checked mommy and said she needed to go to a room right away. Mommy got into a bed and she wasn't feeling very good.  She was getting a fever and throwing up.  It was quite scary to watch. The doctor came into the room and checked on mommy. He then told us that with mommy having a fever there was a chance for infection.  So to save you and mommy, it was time to get you out.  We didn't know if you were a boy or a girl. There was so many things going on that we just weren't ready for you to come into the world. You decided you wanted to see us 6 weeks early and were tired of being in mommy's tummy.

As soon as the doctor snapped his fingers, everyone on the hospital floor got mommy ready to go and took her to the room for your delivery. Daddy was really scared.  He called his friends at 6:30 in the morning to tell him how scared he was and to pray for you and mommy. All I could think about was I hope you and your mommy are ok.  Soon though, a nurse came in and told me that we had another girl and I could come see you. Because you were 6 weeks early, you had to stay in the NICU at the hospital. Once I laid my eyes on you, I was very happy, but I was still worried about your mommy.

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were mine.

I had to escort you to your home in the hospital for the next few days and sign all kinds of paperwork. I was still worried about your mommy as she was still sleeping from her surgery to get you out. She finally woke up and I was able to go see her. The nurses did an excellent job with her and you to make sure you were all comfortable. Soon we were able to wheel your mom to see you for the first time. She was so happy to know you were ok. Your aunties and uncles all came to the hospital to see you. Grandma and Grandpas also came and so did your sisters. Since you were in the NICU, we had to wash our hands for a long time to come visit you.  You were such a fighter though.  They only needed to keep you on oxygen for a couple of days. Then you had to be put on a bilipad to get your bilirubin levels and you had to gain a little weight in order to go home. December 29th came, and you got to go home. We were so happy to be at home as a family again.

Mommy and Daddy were glad to be with you in the hospital.

Our family of 5 not too long after Q arrived.

As you are now a year old, we went through quite a bit. Some day I'll explain to you your first year and how mommy and daddy went through a lot for you. We are proud of you for your will to keep being strong and fighting.

One year ago, it all started...

We had a very quiet Thanksgiving this last weekend.  It was very welcoming to us.  Spending some time with my family in Colorado at my sister's place and enjoying our time being normal. We're glad to have had a quiet, boring, uneventful holiday this year. Last year, however, it was quite the time. As I said before, we think this has to do with a lot of what happened with Q's rough year from the previous post. In order to tell our whole story of last year, this part of the story has to be included. It's how we spent last year at Thanksgiving, so you can see why we were happy to have a nice quiet time with family.

Last year, my wife Erin and I were expecting our 3rd child, we were going to move into a brand new home, and we thought the year would end great. That wasn't the case. At Thanksgiving time, as we were planning an enjoyable holiday with Erin's family, she came home on Wednesday complaining of stomach/back pain. We didn't really think much of it because she was 31 weeks pregnant and we were going to her parents, so she had ample time to rest.

On the way to Baudette (4 hours away by car), Erin didn't feel very good. She threw up a few times and just didn't have an appetite or anything. It was just stomach flu, right? As the weekend went on though, she became completely uncomfortable and still wasn't feeling good. Friday morning, she woke me up and said we need to go to the ER.

Off to the ER we went. The doctor and nurses got Erin back to comfortable, thanks to morphine and getting fluids in her. Considering we were far away from home and in a very rural area, the Doctor has to be prepared to take on whatever. Trying to find some humor in the situation, it was pretty funny watching the nurses trying to figure out how to hook up the baby monitor since they didn't deliver babies there for a few years.

After doing some tests, the doctor first thought it was a UTI.  After a few more test results came back, then the doctor thought it could be Erin's gall bladder. The issue though with being in a rural area for a holiday weekend is a limited hospital staff so the ultrasound tech for the area was not there. After consulting with the doctor, we were off to Bemidji to the nearest larger hospital with an OB, an ultrasound tech, and most importantly a surgeon if needed.

After waiting a little while, we loaded up the ambulance and headed to Bemidji. Thankfully the kids were with Grandma and Grandpa, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins to keep them entertained while we headed two hours away.  Once we got to Bemidji to the hospital, we were wheeled up to the Birthing Center.  It started to hit me how serious this was.  I wasn't sure if we'd have a baby but I wanted to make sure that first, my wife got better, and second, baby was safe, sound, and stayed in the womb. When we got into the room, the OB doc started checking Erin.  Where the pain was getting described, there were lots of questions about if it was really her gall bladder.  The attending nurse then said, I bet it's her appendix.  The doc summoned the general surgeon on call to the room to get his opinion.

The surgeon came into the room and he also thought there was potential for Erin's appendix having issues.  With Erin being pregnant though, X-rays and MRIs were not possible.  They couldn't expose baby to radiation.  Also, being the gallbladder was a possibility, they wanted to do the ultrasound. The ultrasound tech took a look at Erin's organs and found her gallbladder was good to go and healthy.  She also looked at baby, and thankfully, baby was still doing great.  Now what do we do? Our surgeon put it out there and said they weren't sure it was her appendix but they could do the surgery and remove her appendix, no matter what.  Or, we could stay on antibiotics for another 12 hours and see how she responds.  The issue though was Erin's body was fighting hard.  Her White Blood Cell count had raised a little bit from Baudette to Bemidji. Granted, that could have been resulting from many different factors, but it was concerning for sure.

After some consideration, we decided for Erin to have the surgery.  It was the best choice to get moving now.  There were many risks though, especially with baby.  However, I felt we were in great hands for a very tricky situation.  At 8:30 pm on a Black Friday, we were headed to the operating room and I was going to wear out the carpet in the waiting room pacing around.  After an hour and a half, the doctor came out and told me it was the appendix.  The worst part though was it was a burst appendix!  The doc said it was 2/3rds dead so Erin probably had a burst appendix for a while.  It made quite the mess, but they got it cleaned out as well as they could and were going to have Erin in the hospital to monitor baby and to monitor her for infection.  The next 24-48 hours were very critical to make sure baby stayed in, otherwise, we were going to have a helicopter ride to Fargo to NICU.

Long story short, the rest of the weekend was uneventful thankfully.  Baby stayed in the womb, Erin got better each and every day, and we were able to go home after 6 days in the Bemidji hospital. Getting home was a little interesting as a good ol' snow storm was coming into the area, but nothing was going to stop us from getting home.  We made it home and were going to get ready to take on the next challenge of moving to our new house.

After we experienced last year, it was nice to enjoy some time with family, eating a full Thanksgiving meal, and just enjoying each other's company.  We didn't have to run to a hospital or deal with the anxiety of what we experienced.  It was nice to have a quiet, relaxing holiday.

Getting Back to Normal

Normal.  It's what everyone wants their life to be.  It's something as we go through the ebbs and flows of life that each of us enjoy.  As human beings, we don't typically like getting off the track of "normal".

Our life had a large hiccup from normal this past year.  It's why I decided to start writing this blog. I want to get our message out there.  Granted, I'll eventually someday write about what we call normal things in our life, but I want to help families who may get derailed from normalcy like we did this past year.

For those of you who don't know us, I am the only male in our family of 5.  My wife Erin is a "super mom" who is a person who I admire a ton with her passion for her family and close friends, her work, and things like shoes.  My oldest daughter, A, is a 1st grader who makes me proud of the things she does quite often.  My middle girl, E, has a spunky attitude but makes me laugh some how everyday. Q, our youngest put us through a lot this year.  With each of these girls, we love them very much and we'd do anything to make sure they are safe and sound but also have fun in life.  We try hard to make life as normal as can be.

What took us away from "normal"?  Well, we had to deal with quite a few things since Thanksgiving weekend of 2013.  This is a very long story of not being normal that I want to spend the time to put our story out there.  This entry is going to be a high level story of what happened. I'm going to dig into each part of our story in future entries.  

2013 started out to be an exciting year.  We made the decision to build a house as well as expand our family.  Lots to look forward to, right?  It was until our Thanksgiving holiday.  

It seemed as if we dealt with the world coming out to get us.  My wife had an appendectomy, while being 31 weeks pregnant with Q.  A week after being in the hospital for 6 days, we got to move into our new house.  Then, after only being in the house for a week, Erin's water broke and Q introduced herself to us 6 weeks early.  10 more days were spent in the hospital.  Needless to say, it wasn't a normal holiday season.

Happy to have a healthy family to start 2014.

We had a pretty normal start to 2014.  New baby at home, work was going good, and things seemed to be status quo for us.  May 5th, 2014 our lives were put completely out of normal again. Q came home from daycare lethargic and not herself.  As parents, we had no idea what was going on. Something just wasn't right with Q.  She had a tough start to life and we just were afraid for her. After Erin made a trip to ER, they couldn't find anything wrong until Q got a CT scan.  It was a moment we wish no parent has to ever go through.  Q had a subdural hematoma, a bleed in her brain.  Then the questions of whether or not someone had shaken our baby started to come at us.  It was our worst nightmare.

The next few days were quite challenging.  We found out Q had hemorrhaged retinas in addition to her brain bleed.  Then she had surgery to relieve the pressure in her head.  With the injuries that she had, not only did we need to worry about our 4 month old infant, but we as concerned parents had to deal with an investigation on us as parents of Q.  The only caregivers in Q's life were us (Mom and Dad) and our daycare provider of 6 + years who took care of our other 2 kids. There was no way that anyone shook Q.  This just did not seem real to us.  It definitely was not normal.

Before we left the hospital, Erin and I had dealt with a couple of different interviews individually with police and our county social services folks.  Our life continued to get peeled back and exposed with more people than we ever wanted to share it with, but we had to in order to find the truth that we never harmed our child.  We ended up getting a lawyer to help us out through this. Not only were we going to worry about a hospital bill, but now we had legal bills to think about. 

After 10 days in the hospital, the doctor said Q could go home.  However, Social Services asked for us to bring as many family and friends to a meeting to make sure we could go home. Thankfully, we had family, friends, and co-workers show up and they ended up becoming our help to allow us to take Q home.  As parents, we wanted to do whatever it took to have our family at home, however, we had to deal with rules in order to show Social Services they could trust us. It was ridiculous because we never did anything to our kid.  It seemed as if the system would ever allow us to trust us with our own kid.

We ended up seeking a 2nd opinion with a pediatric neurologist at Gillette Children's hospital in St. Paul because we wanted answers to show it was medical and not trauma.  Also, we had the chance that Q needed additional surgeries because of her head injury.  Thankfully, the doctors there didn't want to do surgery and ended up discovering an answer to our prayers.  Q had a condition.  We didn't realize it could cause anything until we started talking to some lawyers who had knowledge of the fallacy of Shaken Baby Syndrome (SBS).

Social Services however, didn't believe us. They ruled maltreatment occurred, but they couldn't determine who did it.  Additionally, this would be on our record for the next 10 years.  We had to continue to fight them so we could get back to normal.  Since Q was in the hospital, we had purchased cameras to record our daily lives, had my parents live with us, and have friends and family check in on us to report to Social Services we were fit as parents and wouldn't harm Q. Never did I ever imagine that we would have to prove that we were good parents. We hired a different lawyer who had knowledge of the system in the state of MN. She helped us put together our appeal, while we continued our "ongoing child protection".  

Continued visits to doctors showed progress with Q and in September, her brain scan showed no sign of additional fluid or brain injury.  It was great news knowing that Q's head was now ok.  She continues to hit her milestones.

Meanwhile, we still had to endure another 3 months of being under Social Services.  After some pushing, we finally ended up getting our initial doctor to agree with the 2nd opinion that he couldn't specifically state what caused Q's injury. Because of this, Social Services overturned their maltreatment ruling and we were free to parent our kids again. It was 6 very trying months, but we are stronger because of it.

As I said, this is a high level story of what went on.  I want to possibly help someone in the future to let them know that you aren't alone and there are people available to help you get the truth. Future posts will be more of each part of our story and perhaps some fun posts, too.

Slowly, we are getting back to normal and I can't wait to have a quiet holiday season this year.